Posts filed under ‘Funny’
I saved my best friend’s and my own life with a joke.
We were living in a tiny cabin in SE Alaska. A local dog with tags reading “Joey Hughes” had been hanging around our place a lot so when we heard some animaly noises right around the door my friend called out softly “Joey Hughes?” A brown bear yearling peeked its head inside our ten by ten cabin and proceeded to take an exploratory step inside.
Now of course this all happened in about 5 seconds. I understood the situation but my danger brain had not yet kicked in when I whispered (quite unnecessarily), “That’s not Joey Hughes.”
Sometimes the best wit reveals obvious truths.
The half hysterical giggle this statement elicited from my buddy startled the bear and it halted its approach, then backed out. If the whole bear had entered the only way out would have been a three point turn or through our frail human bodies. I think you know which option the bear would have chosen.
You could say it was the giggle, not my ill (perfectly) timed joke that stopped the bear but you’d be wrong.
I served a Mormon mission in Tijuana, Mexico. We were switching partners that day, so I put my old partner on a bus to Tecate and waited for my new one to arrive on a hill by our house next to the freeway. I planned things so I’d be by myself for like 30 minutes.
Anyways, there was a huge wreck on the freeway and my new partner was 2 hours late. I was sitting there minding my Mormon business, my legs dangling over a ledge that overlooked a 30 foot drop onto the side of the freeway, when this cholo guy came and sat down by me. “Uh, oh. This guy is going to be trouble.”
He offered me a cigarette.
We sat there in silence for a few minutes.
Then out of no where, the guy pulls a freaking ice pick out of his pocket and brings it towards my gut. I grabbed his wrist before he was able to poke me with it.
“Dame tu wallete!” he cried. (Give me your wallet!)
I was sleeping and having a nightmare. My girlfriend gets up to blow her nose and the noise startles me awake. In reflex I sat up and punched her straight in the face while shouting “I’m not going down that easy!” I had no idea it was her.
She was literally stunned. I felt terrible.
In grade school we would go out for recess, but stay in on rainy days in the classroom, supposedly behaving while the teachers had lunch in their lunchroom. My friend and I got the brilliant idea to play racewalk tag, and the projector cart was base. He grabbed a 1 liter Crayola poster paint bottle off the stand claiming to still be on base while wandering around, and I said you couldn’t do that, and he said “okay” and lobbed it at me. It was a lot heavier than I thought, and it went right through my hands and cracked open. It was full with black paint, and we had orange indoor/outdoor carpeting.
Source: Tom Brown’s Field Guide to Nature Observation and Tracking, by Tom Brown, Jr.
I tend to smile a lot when I’m stalking because I see so many funny things. Once I saw a deer trip himself by getting a hoof caught in an antler while trying to scratch his ear, and I nearly fell over laughing.
Source: Not Always Right
(One of my regulars comes to my cash with her small child. The mother is very much pregnant.)
Me: “Oh hello, [mother] and [daughter], how are you today?”
Customer: “We’re great!” *turns to daughter* “Tell [me] what Mommy is going to have in September!”
Customer’s daughter: “A baby!”
Me: “Really? What do you hope it’ll be?”
Customer’s Daughter: “A puppy!”
Source: The Acupuncture Handbook of Sports Injuries & Pain, by Whitfield Reaves
During the 1984 Olympics, I was treating [with acupuncture] a rather famous patient suffering from frozen shoulder, with a student observer at my side. I remember so vividly the precise fascial plane—about 3 inches of insertion [of the needle] in the deep tissues of the muscle group. Every time the needle would penetrate that level, the shoulder would release and normal function restored. I demonstrated to the student that needle technique several centimeters deeper or more superficial would not have the same effect on range of motion.
We used no other point than Stomach 38, and continued stimulating the needle with active movement of the arm every three minutes. The patient left quite satisfied after 25 minutes of treatment.
I then felt inclined to explain the needle technique to the student, only to see a glazed-over face as she exclaimed, “He was my childhood hero!” The student was overjoyed, but missed the entire teaching event, and hopefully didn’t have to wait five years to see it again!