From Hate to Love
I had a friend who was annoying as hell and really got on my nerves but happened to be hot. Anyway, mutual dislike matured into mutual attraction and i developed a huge crush on her. Anyway my friends were telling me to stay away because outwardly she seemed like a fucking nightmare and they knew we didnt get on. Anyway i ignored them and an awkward yet exciting argument at a works party later we got together. It was amazing. Mutual hatred turned out to be mutual awkward sexual attraction neither of us wanted to accept. But once our lips touched it all made sense.
A few blissful months later she was diagnosed with leukemia and i was distraught. The love of my life was on the precipice of oblivion with only myself as the single thread of hope.
By an incredible coincidence i had the same blood type and so my marrow was a match to hers so i was able to donate my marrow to save her life.
A few months later and we shared a bond beyond what god intended. My marrow was in her bones. I gave some of my own life to save hers. That is not a bond that can be broken easily.
However. A few weeks down the road and her body started to reject the transfusion. Over the course of 2 months she gradualy declined to the point where she could barely move.
I stayed by her side for days. I refused to leave her side while we waited for a compatible donor. I watched as her face greyed and sank. As her strength gradually ebbed. I kept telling her it would be ok. That at any moment a compatible donor would appear to help her out of her misery. She insisted that i leave her to her fate. That she couldnt bear the pain i was feeling and that staying with her would accelerate her deterioration. I ignored her. I knew she was only saying that out of love.
My heart was broken. Every breath of mine was one less for her. Valentines day came and i made an effort. I brought her her favourite meal (egg fried chicken with savoury rice) but she didnt have the strength to eat it. She had a mouthful or two but couldnt manage anything more. She kept insisting that I leave her be. That she didnt want my final memories of her face to be that of a broken woman, the face of death.
I admit that my selfishness led me to the occasional hesitation but my love was too strong. I COULD NOT leave her to face mortality alone.
On february 28th 2011 at 11:43 pm she died. Her final words to me were, “I’ll see you in a place where no shadows fall, my love”.
We were both huge Babylon 5 geeks.
I don’t regret a single moment of the 5 years, 8 months, 18 days, 4 hours and 22 minutes we were together (the exact time we first kissed). Its difficult. Incredibly difficult. Sometimes i hate myself for waking in a morning, wishing i’d died during sleep so i could be with her. Survivors guilt i’m sure.
I’m confused as i’m an atheist and don’t believe in god or an afterlife or anything yet i refuse to believe that my love is simply ‘gone’. I cant accept that someone like her could simply disappear. It feels like accepting that she is gone is like accepting that the rest of humanity means nothing to me and she was the only thing in the universe. Yet accepting that there actually is the rest of humanity feels like its somehow diminishing her importance to me.
Life goes on. Though at the moment i don’t really understand how. I’m alive and i have a job. Thats all i’m sure of right now. My life is simply routine.
I miss her.