I Played Russian Roulette
This event has completely changed my life. I don’t recommend it to anyone, and I have to tell you I am very, very glad I did not shot myself. This isn’t a solution, and I wish I could have had serious help before actually getting to this point.
At 17 I only thought about one thing: dying. My life was as close as possible to hell as an American could imagine it. I was severily bullied in high school, I had very few friends, my parents were abusive and irresponsible (drugs, beat me, refuse to feed me, etc) and about every part of my life sucked. I spent every living moment thinking about dying and how I would do it. And I hated that because deep-downed I did not want to die.
I would sometimes wake up at the middle of the night and have an impulse to kill or hurt myself. I felt like I was a burden to everyone since childhood and saw no way my life could improve. I hated my life, and hated my life even more for wanting to die. I wanted it to stop. Every day I would think about dying and then I would remind myself that there were people who were dying of illnesses and that I was an hypocrite, making the pain even worse.
I had one really good friend and I had a weird idea. In my (young) mind, either I died, either I did not. It had to stop. That feeling of wanting to die was too much of a burden to deal with. So, I made a deal with God (Christian, no speech about suicide please). I told him I would take my dad’s revolver, put one bullet in the barrel, spin, and try to shoot myself in the head.
My point was this: if I died, good, I would stop suffering and wanting to die. And maybe chances wanted me to die, anyway. If I were to survive, I would never, ever think about suicide again. I was young and naive at the time. I wanted to do it like in the movies. I wrote a full legal letter, explaining every single details, then signed it and had my friend attest as a witness. For me, I signed this before God.
I took the revolver, added a bullet, spinned the wheel and… Couldn’t do it. My friend was laughing; for him, it was all a big joke, and there was no way I’d really do it. I smoked a few times (weed, no speech on weed again please) and debated with him for hours. At the end, completely high, I said I had to do it. It seemed cool. And it was a pact.
So I checked the one bullet again, spinned the wheel and… Nothing. Then my friend, the idiot, started calling me a chicken and saying he knew I would back out. I spinned again. And again. He laughed. Then I put the gun to my head… Spinned the wheel again, and shoot.
I head the “clic” directly in my mind. My friend went blank and did not say one word for a full minute. I couldn’t believe it myself. Slowly, we both opened the gun. The bullet was in the next chamber. Pressing the trigger once more would have killed me. “Duuuuudeee…” he said. I reminded me he was calling me a pussy. “Yeah, but I was just joking… I did not know you’d really do it…”
Ironically, things changed, DRASTICALLY.
The next day I woke up not remembering much about this day. Too high. I woke up wanting to die and thinking about how bad my day would suck – people teasing me, being hungry, coming back to get yelled at, etc, when I found my letter, signed. I read it and remembered everything. For me, I had made a deal, and God had wanted me to live.
And I never thought about suicide again.
Each time I think about hurting myself I think about this letter. There was 1 chance on 6 I would be dead today. I became VERY grateful to live and started enjoying it much more.
In my life, things changed. I had always been too much of a coward to move out, fearing the unknown – no money, no food, risk, etc. But I had played russian roulette! Within a month I had found an apartment. Within three I had a decent evening job (I turned 18 in the mean time).
At school, people stopped bullying me. Completely. When the first day someone started calling me fat, ugly (fat-face was my name), I started to laugh. It wasn’t a fake laugh, or something only to save the face. I was really laughing for real. I hit him softly on the shoulder and moved on. He was completely speechless. Meanwhile, my friends told his friend who told his friends what I had done and I started to become more popular. Eventually I would even get invited to a party (first-time) and everyone would ask if this was real. For a good month, it was THE subject.
Even school eventually heard of it and I was offered competent assistance. They kept asking why I wanted to kill myself and if I would do it again. Not in a million years. Sure, my life is not perfect right now, but it’s very decent. I have a decent job, a house and am thinking of having a family. So in a way, yes, that experience really helped.
Would I do it again? Never. Do I regret doing it? Sometimes. I wonder what would have happened if I had shot myself. For almost a year, I kept thinking about it. But there is no doubt this completely changed my life. So yes, I am kind of glad I did it. That being said, I would never recommend anyone to do the same.
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